It's funny how a man's feeling can sway with such amplitude that you don't know what make any sense anymore. I will be turning 28 next year and it is pathetic to see that the friends around me are settling down blissfully happy while I still stagger like an old blind man with the mind of a 5 year old child. I'm not envious of my friends, in fact I am more than happy to see them and their new family charter their next course of life together. But I am frustrated with myself I give you that.
Life for some is plain easy, predictable and uneventful. I must say that my life had been pretty volatile to say the least. Things that had happened in mine sometimes is quite dramatic or tragic that you would think that those kind of scenarios only exist in motion pictures. Some of them are funny, some are sad and some are just plain madness. All in all, I guess these experiences provided me with more gist to what is the real meaning of life that we know. Religion aside of course.
Honestly I don't know what I am feeling right now in my heart but I know it ain't happiness. There's no word that exist in the language that I speak that I know of that could explain even just the most tiniest bit of it. Perhaps this feeling only exist in another parallel universe from another galaxy on another planet that harbours intelligent life. Perhaps they feel it everyday or whenever one is celebrating that they have to go to the toilet. It makes no sense. Nothing makes any sense to me now. But I know this storm will weather down God willing. I've been through worse hurricanes and survived.
For now I just don't know what to do. So I shall sit here and ramble on. Yeah, "Ramblin On", one of my favourite Led Zeppelin song. I turn to God and also music at times like this. It's the only way to keep my brain functioning in normal mode. Then when I go home this evening, and embrace to the love of the mother, then perhaps, I shall know the meaning of bliss again.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Wonderful Friday
Don't you just get that tingling feeling every Friday morning when you wake up to go to work? For some of us, it's the last day of work before we have to slave ourselves again come Monday. Two days of freedom. Two days to rediscover what life is, in whatever way we think is best for us. Whether its intoxicating the body with alcoholic beverages and animal pills surrounded by sweaty and jerking bodily movements in the most ear-piercing mind-shattering hot humid discotheque. Or sitting at home with the feet up on a rainy Sunday morning enjoying a good book and a hot chocolate and the beautiful pregnant wife sleeping on your lap. We all have our own ways to rest, re-energize the mind and body and prepare for the next five days which enable us all to put food on the table and enjoy this miracle of life...
But for me, it's a special Friday today. I went through a torturous and most horrid 2 weeks of my life ever. It was as if the planets had lined themselves up to focus a beacon of pain collected from the far corners of the universe aimed right through my heart. My soul wailed and writh in agony screaming and begging for mercy. My body ached and went through a series of horrifying spasms. It had probably been my own fault for letting myself having a go at this. For totally letting myself loose and mindlessly float in the uncharted waters. Of course it was exciting adrenalin driven adventure but I was never prepared for the intermission. You see, after nearly a month being drowned and suffocated in the blinding twillight and feeding my soul senselessly to the mercy of whatever it feels it wants, and then in the sudden of chaotic madness, my soul was fished out from the wrangling mess. It spluttered. Coughed. And waited a slow death.
Bob Marley's sweet serenade "Is this Love" rang in the back of my mind. Is this love? I ask myself. I don't know what love is. I know family kind of love. A friend's love. A mother's love to her child. But loving a woman. I don't know if I had ever done that at all. Yes I've been in and out of relationships but had it ever been love? The word love can be used in so many context and the plethora of meanings that it could grasp, thus so, present the word with variety of situation to be used. But to love a woman is probably the most complicated and emotion draining act one could ever experience. Brian May's lyrics to "Have You Ever Love A Woman" puts in a sweet and romantic indulgence.
But I, I think loving a woman is not really that of an enigma. It should be effortless. Voluntary act from your brain synapses to not being able to stop thinking about your other half. A basic instinct to your body, like how the heart pumps the blood to vital organs labourously. Helpless. You savour every single moment that you spend with her and go through the torments of the lonely times without her. I think I am learning to love. I think I'm beginning to get to know what love is. But most definitely, I know, that it is love that will be waiting for me tonight. How have I longed and waited for tonight to arrive.
"I want to be your sunshine when it rains,
The words in your poems,
The stars in your twillight,
and most of all,
The love in your life..."
But for me, it's a special Friday today. I went through a torturous and most horrid 2 weeks of my life ever. It was as if the planets had lined themselves up to focus a beacon of pain collected from the far corners of the universe aimed right through my heart. My soul wailed and writh in agony screaming and begging for mercy. My body ached and went through a series of horrifying spasms. It had probably been my own fault for letting myself having a go at this. For totally letting myself loose and mindlessly float in the uncharted waters. Of course it was exciting adrenalin driven adventure but I was never prepared for the intermission. You see, after nearly a month being drowned and suffocated in the blinding twillight and feeding my soul senselessly to the mercy of whatever it feels it wants, and then in the sudden of chaotic madness, my soul was fished out from the wrangling mess. It spluttered. Coughed. And waited a slow death.
Bob Marley's sweet serenade "Is this Love" rang in the back of my mind. Is this love? I ask myself. I don't know what love is. I know family kind of love. A friend's love. A mother's love to her child. But loving a woman. I don't know if I had ever done that at all. Yes I've been in and out of relationships but had it ever been love? The word love can be used in so many context and the plethora of meanings that it could grasp, thus so, present the word with variety of situation to be used. But to love a woman is probably the most complicated and emotion draining act one could ever experience. Brian May's lyrics to "Have You Ever Love A Woman" puts in a sweet and romantic indulgence.
But I, I think loving a woman is not really that of an enigma. It should be effortless. Voluntary act from your brain synapses to not being able to stop thinking about your other half. A basic instinct to your body, like how the heart pumps the blood to vital organs labourously. Helpless. You savour every single moment that you spend with her and go through the torments of the lonely times without her. I think I am learning to love. I think I'm beginning to get to know what love is. But most definitely, I know, that it is love that will be waiting for me tonight. How have I longed and waited for tonight to arrive.
"I want to be your sunshine when it rains,
The words in your poems,
The stars in your twillight,
and most of all,
The love in your life..."
Monday, May 5, 2008
The Mother
It's remarkable how life came into existence. Man ponders and wonders the greatest mysteries of life. Why are we here? Where did we come from? Where will we go?
The Abrahamic lineage teaches its followers that we are all sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, the Buddhist faith lies with the cycle of reincarnation whilst the atheists somehow, albeit half-consciously and reluctantly, feels quite alone having no one to call for during sexual orgasms.
But, there is a common link. A miracle that we all share in this life. The Mother.
Through nine months of discomfort, vomiting and stomach cramps, a mother endures all pain just to face another that some say is worse than death itself...
The birth of life.
Screaming, crying, grappling and ugly at the same time (though some are reported to be cute), we're born into this world fragile and helpless knowing only the safety of our mother's teats.
I am forever in debt for the pain that I had caused her during my coming to existence. I am forever in debt for my nuisance with every cry I made that was pacified with gentle cuddles. I am forever in debt for the love that makes me who I am now.
To Mummy, a happy belated Mother's Day.
The Abrahamic lineage teaches its followers that we are all sons of Adam and daughters of Eve, the Buddhist faith lies with the cycle of reincarnation whilst the atheists somehow, albeit half-consciously and reluctantly, feels quite alone having no one to call for during sexual orgasms.
But, there is a common link. A miracle that we all share in this life. The Mother.
Through nine months of discomfort, vomiting and stomach cramps, a mother endures all pain just to face another that some say is worse than death itself...
The birth of life.
Screaming, crying, grappling and ugly at the same time (though some are reported to be cute), we're born into this world fragile and helpless knowing only the safety of our mother's teats.
I am forever in debt for the pain that I had caused her during my coming to existence. I am forever in debt for my nuisance with every cry I made that was pacified with gentle cuddles. I am forever in debt for the love that makes me who I am now.
To Mummy, a happy belated Mother's Day.
It's 3AM...
And somehow, I decide to start my own blog...
I think I tried blogging twice in my lifetime and failed miserably. Both times I forgot which blog site I was using and rendered my next hope of effort to blog helpless. As they always say, third time lucky. So here's to a lifetime of successful, dedicated and satisfying blogging adventure Z.
I was lying like a sack of potatoes (or flock of seagulls - as it goes in Pulp Fiction) on this dreadful couch unable to sleep. Cursing at the poor clock hanging on the wall every time I looked at it, I decide to write. Or type actually.
But what the hell am I going to write about? What will make people want to read my blog? Then I thought to myself. Why the hell do I care? I'm here to write and so I shall.
Perhaps, it'll help me sleep.
I think I tried blogging twice in my lifetime and failed miserably. Both times I forgot which blog site I was using and rendered my next hope of effort to blog helpless. As they always say, third time lucky. So here's to a lifetime of successful, dedicated and satisfying blogging adventure Z.
I was lying like a sack of potatoes (or flock of seagulls - as it goes in Pulp Fiction) on this dreadful couch unable to sleep. Cursing at the poor clock hanging on the wall every time I looked at it, I decide to write. Or type actually.
But what the hell am I going to write about? What will make people want to read my blog? Then I thought to myself. Why the hell do I care? I'm here to write and so I shall.
Perhaps, it'll help me sleep.
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